Don't worry, not for good. I'm coming back. I have too many awesome memories to actually leave DA.
I just have quite a bit going on in my life, so I'm just going to take a break from DA for a while.
I just don't have the time or energy right now, so I just wanted to let you know.
So... Here's one last update on my life (at least until I come back):
Also, this is kinda personal. If it makes you uncomfortable don't feel like you need to read it. I post this more for me than for the people reading. But if you do want to read this (or if you want to learn a few things about ADD), then please by all means read away. Also, if at any moment you get bored with whatever I'm saying, just skip to the next bold line like this one.
Also, if you're concerned about being skinny I HIGHLY recommend you read what I wrote about the cons of taking concerta. It's a message from my own experience that I cannot express enough to people who focus too much on the number on the scale.
This first part is mostly going to focus on my ADD, so hey, this one is going to be educational.
Also, keep in mind that my rant about ADD is from my own personal experiences only, and by no means are all people with ADD/ADHD like this.
Things have been pretty stressful at school recently, but it looks like it will (hopefully) get better.
According to my mom, what I'm going through right now is just like how I did when my medication (I take concerta for my ADD) needed to be adjusted, and it's magnified by the fact that this is highschool (last time this happened was... four years ago, I think) and the first time I'm doing five major classes and trying to learn a new language.
Honestly, I get really annoyed whenever that's mentioned because it makes me feel like I'm the problem, even though I
know it's not the message nor is it the actual case. I can get pretty touchy about my ADD, especially at moment like these where it seems like people are saying Oh, it's alright. It's not the overwhelming workload; her ADD is just acting up again. Because it just sounds like the problem is in my head. Again, I completely acknowledge that that's not the case. And my mom made it reeeeeally clear that wasn't what she thinks or is trying to say. That is how it makes me feel, though, regardless of the intended message.
Needless to say, I'm a little defensive about that. But now that it's been pointed out to me, I do think that's at least part of the case. (Okay, I went over this before posting and noticed I got carried away into another one of my rants here. So if you want to skip to where I eventually got back to the point, there's another line lower down in bold. Just skip to there.) A lot of people seem to think that ADD just means that people get distracted easily, or (and I actually knew someone who did this) treat it like it's just an excuse some kids use for not paying attention. I get why some people think this because ADD is really over-diagnosed, so it's sort of a "boy who cried wolf" scenario.
Well, let me clear that up as someone who has been diagnosed and medicated for ADD since 3rd grade: it has its pros and cons.
Pros: You're never bored and make a great conversationalist. Daydreaming is very entertaining, and it especially helps the creative-minded find inspiration. Oh, and if you're medicated you don't need coffee in the morning because concerta is a stimulant and already does that. (No really, if I forget to take it it feels like I missed my morning coffee. ...Well, at least I think it does; I don't drink coffee)
Cons: (this is going to be a little long. Hey, this is gonna be my last venting journal for a while, at least I made this one educational!)
Well, for starters, your mind is wired differently than a normal person's, and you can react to meds differently. For example, in kindergarten I took an allergy med that was supposed to make me drowsy, but instead I was bouncing off the fricking walls yelling a mile a minute to my mom about how fast I could run while doing my best impression of the RoadRunner from Wiley Coyote.
Also, the main trademark of ADD (at least in my case) is that your brain is wired to multitask. This is why it can be hard for us to focus: when we have to focus on or do a single thing, our brain doesn't like it and subconsciously looks for something else to multitask on, which ends up using a lot of my attention. Even when I'm medicated, I have to be doing at least two things in order to focus properly. So usually I settle for tapping a finger, wiggling my foot, or (most recently) twirling my hair. All. The. Time. And the most annoying thing it people don't understand that, and think you're either being petty, disrespectful, or just not paying attention when the exact opposite is the case. Of course I'm focusing on you. For god's sake, I'm tapping my foot because I'm trying to listen to you, not distract myself. My biggest pet peeve is when my dad or somebody or other (this happened especially when I was little) would try to get me to stop because it makes it look like I'm not paying attention when the exact opposite is the case. My dad is always bugging me about multitasking and words cannot express how annoying it is.
Also, there's the concerta. (For one thing, my autocorrect tries to change it to concerts every time I type it.) It helps a lot, but it also boosts your metabolism. Okay girls, before you go all "I'd love to have a faster metabolism" on me, it SUCKS. I have absolutely NO IDEA why you people want to weigh twenty pounds lighter than is healthy, because DON'T! When I first started taking it my dosage was too high and I actually did weigh twenty pounds lighter than I was supposed to. In fourth grade I became seriously underweight (so much so that if I was wearing a bathing suit you could see my ribs) because I had this sudden boost in my metabolism. I felt horrible, I looked horrible, and everything in general is just plain horrible. And okay, before all of you get super afraid of concerta that doesn't happen unless the dosage is too big like mine was, and the problem went away as soon as my dosage was lessened and I started eating enough to make up for my faster metabolism (to this day I sometimes get weird looks from my classmates for the amount of food I eat). And I wouldn't change what happened then because it taught me one of the most important lessons: it's better to be healthy than skinny. I don't look at supermodels and go "I wish I was that skinny," instead I go "Oh dear god that poor woman look at her I can practically see her skull dear god she's like a stick that must feel so horrible." and "Why why why, why are people encouraging this body image?!" Because honestly, I prefer looking like an actual woman instead of the unhealthily skinny and photoshopped celebrities you see in magazines. I made this point super long because I REALLY want other people to see this, too.
SKIP TO HERE IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO READ MY RANT RIGHT THERE
(Sorry, I tend to do that)
But I digress, a lot. (I do this a lot, don't I?) Back to the point:
I'd also like to clear up another common misconception people have (*Cough*7thGradeEnglishTeacher*Cough*)
Our inability to focus is not for a lack of trying.
Finally, we're back to what I was originally trying to say (Hello, ADD. Thank you for giving another example of yourself) Where was I? Oh right, why I agree with my mom.
Anyway, so lately I've been a lot more tired, both mentally and physically. I've been finding it harder to focus. Well, not exactly. I've returned to that oh-so-familiar state where I'm focused but can't focus. Erm... I should probably explain.
What I mean is lately it takes a lot of effort to focus on anything. Like if someone's talking to me I have to consciously force my mind to focus on them, look them straight in the eye with what people describe as a really hard stare that makes people uncomfortable, and deliberately command my eyes and ears to look at and listen to them. It takes so much energy and effort to pay attention to what they're doing that even though my mind is wired for multitasking I can't do anything other than listen to what they're saying or I'll forget to listen to what they're saying.
This includes fidgeting, brushing that annoying wisp of hair out of my eyes, movement in general, acknowledging my surroundings at all, blinking, thinking, and actually processing the information I've gone through all the effort to focus on.
It takes so much effort to focus on what someone is saying that it's in one ear and out the other and I often zone out without realizing it.
There are some other things that have been happening, but I won't bore you more than I already have with the details.
So we're going to try increasing the dosage for a while and see if that helps. Hopefully it will.
SKIP TO HERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT MY ADD
Also, I've just been more tired in general lately, and have felt like I'm on the verge of getting sick for a while now.
The fact that I spent seven and a half hours straight (3:30 to 10:30) on a project on Wednesday probably didn't help.
I think I might be coming down with something, because my headaches and neck have gotten worse lately (I saw my doctor this friday about my ADD meds, and fortunately my headaches aren't migraines and my neck pains aren't caused by something more serious than the fact that I need a new pillow and possibly physical therapy to release the strain) and friday evening something happened with my right arm and from my right elbow to my shoulder is all achy like someone gave me a flu shot and stepped on it. The arm thing is sorta going away now though, it's not gone but its less noticeable than before.
I've had a few dizzy spells. Nothing to be concerned about, just postural hypotension (google that if you don't know what that is, it's the result of all the sickfics I've read).
My muscles feel all weak and shaky. And it's a cruel world where you're tired, love to sleep, and can't because your muscles are all weird and your neck feels too stiff but at the same time like you stretched it to much and slept on it wrong and you get stuffed up for no reason only when you're lying down and are just constantly uncomfortable. And you're too wired to go to sleep but too tired to do anything else. aka ME.
And here's the weirdest one and the dead give away: I pulled a muscle
I PULLED A MUSCLE IN MY LEG.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW WEIRD THAT IS FOR ME?!
I was in yoga class, and when we were doing half pigeon (my favorite pose because I'm very good at it and it feels AWESOME), without any warning that something was different and without stretching more than I usually do I pulled the muscle in the back on my right thigh right below my butt. I know better than to stretch more than I'm meant to, though, so not that big a deal, right? WRONG.
Something you should know: I'm extremely flexible.
Another thing: The muscle I pulled is the most flexible part of my body. I can raise my leg and put it over my shoulder if I want to. In fact, I find it quite fun.
So there is something wrong with me if I just pulled a muscle there.
What. The. Hell.
SKIP TO HERE IF YOU JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY THE HECK IM GOING ON HIATUS
Well, I've been pretty stressed out and fatigued recently. I feel like I might be coming down with something and just need a break from DA for a while.
Please don't take it personally, it's not your guys' fault.
And don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything. I just have a lot on my plate right now between getting a tutor for spanish, talking about getting a language waiver for next year, and just surviving high school.
So... Yeah. I'm just not feeling up to this right now.
I am however, still very active on fanfiction.net so if you're a fan of Sherlock and want to fangirl with me, send me a pm. Please do, I would love to vent all the feels season 3 gave me but don't want to confuse people who don't watch it. My username on there is Zellona, and I never pass up the opportunity to talk to somebody about my favorite show
So yeah, I'd like to apologize to any of you who replied to my forum who I haven't replied to because I don't think I'll ever get around to that.
Anyway, long story short: I'm exhausted and stressed from school and have let the Sherlock fangirl in me take over the free time I have by binge watching Sherlock and reading fan fictions